이게 마지막 내 자존심이라
This is the last bit of my pride
뻔하겠지만 내 얘길 들어줘
So it might sound typical but listen to my story
나는 변명 따윈 질색이지만
I hate giving excuses
널 놓치면 안 될 것 같아 난
But I don’t think I can lose you
어제 딴 여자와 밥을 먹었어
I ate dinner with another girl yesterday
니가 미워서 너무 미워서
Because I hated you, I hated you so much
니가 그 남자를 생각하는 게
Because I can see you
매일 난 눈에 보여서
Thinking of him everyday
삐뚤어지면 날 봐 줄까 봐
Maybe you’ll see me if I act badly
이렇게라도 니 관심을 돌려
I try to gain your attention like this
Dara dara dadada
I don't wanna let you go
어떡해야 널 가질 수 있니
What can I do to have you?
거짓말이라도 해봐 좀
At least lie to me
빈말이라도 잊겠다고
Even if you don’t mean it, tell me you’ll forget him
희망고문이라도 해봐
Even if it’s hope torture, do it
빈틈을 좀 보여줘
Show me some kind of flaw
내 자리는 어디도 없어
There is no spot for me
최소한의 숨이라도 쉬게 맘을 열어줘
Open your heart so at least I can breathe a little
(NU’EST – Love Without Love 사랑 없는 사랑)
It was almost eight o'clock at night when I arranged to meet Chungdae. Coincidentally, I was the on-duty teacher for tonight's independent study session, so it wasn't a problem for me to wait on Chungdae. He was so busy with club activities that I doubted he'd have time to study at home. The staff room was already empty by then, and Kim Sonsaengnim had left almost 40 minutes ago, so I would be the last teacher to leave today. There was a knock on the door, and a moment later, Chungdae walked in. I waved to him, motioning for him to come over.
"Hi, miss," he greeted cheerfully, standing in front of the door.
"Come sit in front of me," I said.
He was wearing a light purple t-shirt soaked in sweat, and his hair looked messy. In his hands, he held his folded uniform.
“You should change or take a shower before you go home. Did you bring another change of clothes?”
“Wow, Miss, you’re very considerate of me.”
“I care about all my students, so you don’t need to misunderstand. By the way, what’s this news I heard about you and Youngkyong dating?”
Chungdae smiled broadly, “The news has reached the teachers?”
“So the news is true?”
“For now, all I can say is, I think we love each other.”
I rolled my eyes, “Whatever it is, make sure you don’t date on school grounds. You know school rules don’t allow you to date.”
“Don’t worry, Miss. If we do, we’ll be extra careful.”
"Yes, for me, I really don't mind it," I said making Chungdae look surprised, "what I mean is, oh come on, you're on the age already. I think it's okay to date someone. But as you know you're gonna break the rules and we're gonna be in trouble, just be careful."
"That's it! That's why I really like you, miss!" Chungdae exclaimed happily.
"Now you need to go home, it's late."
Chungdae got up from his chair, "thank you miss. Please go home safely or I'll be sad."
"I'm not a kid so don't worry about me."
Chungdae ran towards the door.
“Change your clothes!”
"Alright, alright, miss! I'll change my clothes before I go home!"
“And good luck!”
I laughed as Chungdae gave me a two-fingered saranghae before he finally left. That kid, I’m not sure he’s mature enough to date.
***
“OH MY GOD!”
I had just passed the high school locker area when I heard that scream, followed by the thunderous sound of falling objects. Afraid something terrible had happened, I quickly walked toward the sound.
“As expected of Youngkyong,” Chinye said with a laugh, “it happens every year, right?”
It turned out the thunderous noise was caused by dozens of chocolate wrappers falling from Youngkyong’s locker when she opened it. Oh, there were several stems of flowers, a bouquet of flowers crammed into a pile, and even a few letters on the floor. Youngkyong could only let out a long sigh as she began to pick up the items.
“I’ll get diabetes if I eat all this chocolate. Take as much as you like, Chinye,” Youngkyong pleaded.
“Oh, no way. They gave it to you, how could I eat it?” Chinye said, helping Youngkyong pick up the fallen items. “I think to stop all this, you should start dating someone. Officially, I mean.”
“Are you guys okay? Or do you need help?” I asked, stepping closer.
“Ah, we’re fine, miss, don’t worry,” Chinye replied, standing for a moment.
“Wow! Chocolate! Can I have some?” Chungdae suddenly appeared behind me, creating a commotion.
“Just take it, but help us clean it up,” Youngkyong requested, shoving a bunch of chocolate bars into Chungdae’s arms.
I shook my head and turned to the middle and high school teacher locker aisle next to the student lockers. I just remembered today was Valentine’s Day, no wonder there were so many romantic knickknacks being sold everywhere lately. Valentine’s… chocolate. Ah, I’d forgotten the last time I’d celebrated Valentine’s Day with a boyfriend. I think this was my third year celebrating Valentine’s Day alone. Ah well, it didn’t matter. To my surprise, when I opened my locker, something furry brown fell out. I picked it up and it turned out to be a stuffed dog half the size of my locker. I was confused, who gave me a stuffed toy? Then I realized there was also a chocolate bar in my locker, a small card with the words “Happy Valentine’s Day, Miss Baek” neatly typed on it. There was no sender's name. Who gave me the gift? Surprised, I just left the two items in my locker again, until I retrieved them on my way home from work. Whoever gave them to me, thank you. The doll is cute, I wouldn't leave it there. And I like chocolate. So, I'll take it rather than let it go to waste.
***
"Ah, I'm tired..."
I trudged toward my apartment. Lately, the work of correcting assignments and tests had started piling up again. This is what happens when you teach 10 classes at once. I was hungry, but I felt too lazy to find dinner. I just wanted to sleep. Ah, the streetlight near my apartment was broken again. I didn't know who to report this to, or if anyone had reported this before. I'd look online. Wait, I suddenly had a bad feeling... I'd heard someone following me since I left the subway station... I turned around. No one was there. It was quiet and a bit dark. I wasn't afraid of the supernatural; I was afraid of humans, because human behavior can be crueler than demons. Maybe it was just me, because I was tired. I kept walking, but a little faster. And then I heard those footsteps again. I turned around again and there was no one there. This wasn't right. I decided to run, but the next second I bumped into something and fell.
"Miss Baek!"
I found myself sitting on the street, and the thing, I mean someone, I'd just bumped into was Donghyun.
"Min Donghyun?"
"Excuse me, miss. Are you okay?"
He reached out and helped me up. Damn, this was so embarrassing. I tried to pat down my pants and cleared my throat. Donghyun was still neatly dressed in his uniform and still carrying his large backpack.
“What are you doing here? It’s late…”
“Ah, I’ve just visited my uncle. His house is in the apartment complex over there,” Donghyun replied, pointing to the apartment next to mine, “and what about Miss? You kind of look scared.”
It would be embarrassing to tell him what I just experienced. I’m afraid I’m just being paranoid.
“I… this is my apartment building. Okay, I’m going home,” I laughed nervously, pointing to my apartment building.
“Come on, Miss, I’ll walk you to the front.”
“You don’t have to do that. It’s late, you should be going home. Besides, I’m only a few meters away.”
"It's precisely because it's late. My parents taught us to accompany women and escort them to their homes."
Before I could process his words, Donghyun slowly removed my backpack from my back and slung it over his free shoulder. The other shoulder was for him to carry his own backpack. He must have come straight here after school.
I smiled at him, "Okay. Thanks, Donghyun."
"Not a big problem, miss."
And I didn't hear any more footsteps until I was safely inside my apartment. Maybe it was all just my hallucination.
***
“Min Donghyun!”
Donghyun turned his head and paused from his busy conversation with Chinye.
“Yes, miss?”
“Look at your test results!”
I held up his test paper, on which I had just written a 97 in red pen in the top right corner.
“NO! I THOUGHT I GOT A 100, WHERE WAS THE MISTAKE?” Donghyun screamed and ran to grab the paper from my hand, then stared at it in disbelief.
“Wow, calm down, Donghyun!” Youngkyong exclaimed, laughing.
“But that grade is already excellent, Donghyun, you’ve made my day!”
Donghyun smiled broadly, his cheeks flushing as he sat back down, his eyes still glued to his paper.
“Okay, I’ll see you again next Tuesday. Please don’t forget to make progress on your project.”
“Thank you, miss!” the entire class of 2A replied as they stood up.
I walked out of 2A with a big smile. Indeed, Donghyun had just made me very happy. I had asked Mr. Go, who previously taught English in high school (and who was my mentor last semester), for tips and data about the high school students who would become my future students. I remembered Donghyun’s test scores rarely surpassed 80. Last year, he even had to retake the test because his score was below 60. But his first test score since he'd moved up to second grade was very satisfying. Maybe he'd studied hard, or maybe Dongsun had helped him study. But as far as I know, Dongsun rarely helped his younger brother study. Actually, I'd known them long before I started teaching at this school.
"Miss!"
I recognized Donghyun's voice, so I turned around, still smiling broadly. He'd followed me out of the classroom.
"Miss, I promise you that I'll get a 100 on the next test!"
I smiled even wider, "I'm already happy to see that you want to try harder, Donghyun."
"No, miss. I want to do more than that. I want to make you happy."
I gave him a thumbs-up in approval, which made him smile broadly too. Imagine if those words weren't spoken by a student to their teacher, let alone me. I'd be so happy I'd fly to the sky. No man would ever say that to me. Well, there have been, but those words feel cliché to me, like nonsense. But hearing them spoken by Min Donghyun felt different.
***
Unlike Donghyun, it was different with Chungdae. We were spending time together again in the teachers' lounge at 6 p.m. This was because he failed his English exam and had to retake it. I could only shake my head as I let him sit at the table next to me to take his retake.
"When will you get serious with your English score, Chungdae?" I asked, puzzled, because I was too embarrassed to mention his score.
"It's just because English is too hard for me, Miss. I really hope you can teach us Korean instead."
Too many excuses. I thought Chungdae's English was already very good for conversation, but he was really weak in anything theoretical.
"Miss, can I look at the dictionary?" he asked suddenly, just after we had stopped chatting for five minutes.
“No.”
“Pretty please.”
“I said no, Heo Chungdae.”
I turned to see him pouting, and it made him look incredibly cute. Oh no, was he trying to seduce me with aegyo? I rolled my eyes, though I was trying to hold back my laughter.
“Once I say no, you know it’ll always be a ‘no’ for me, right, Chungdae? You know me, right?”
“Okay, miss,” Chungdae complained.
The next five minutes were all that could be heard, just the scratching of a pen and Chungdae’s mumbling as he read his exam questions.
“Miss, do you want to know something?”
“Focus on the exam.”
“About why I didn’t pass the exam?” Chungdae teased.
I turned my head, okay, this is pretty important. Damn, I was hooked.
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to get a retake and be alone with Miss.”
As he said that, Chungdae grinned. If he weren’t my student, I would have smacked him upside the head. I resisted the urge to hit him over the head with my overflowing pencil case.
“Concentrate now, concentrate!”
"Okay, miss, don't be angry. You're not beautiful anymore when you're angry like that," Chungdae said, still smiling broadly.
I glared at him, but I couldn't seem to look stern because the corners of my lips were tugging upwards into a smile I was desperately trying to suppress.
"Heo Chungdae…"
"Okay, miss!"
Why does Class 3A have a class president like this?
***
HEO CHUNGDAE’S POV
Twenty-one… twenty-two… twenty-three… twenty-four. Is that all?
“Ya, Chungdae, how many did you get this year?” Joonki asked from the other end of the locker room.
“How many did you get?”
“21. Don’t tell me you got less than me. If you did, you have to treat me.”
“I got 24. I got two more than last year,” I said, slightly shouting because the locker room was a bit crowded.
“That’s still pathetic, I got five more.”
I slapped Joonki hard on the back. Damn, what’s keeping my popularity from increasing this year? Yes, today is White Day, when women usually give chocolates or gifts to the men they like, but sometimes this day is also interpreted as the day when men reciprocate the chocolates or gifts they received on Valentine’s Day last month. Well, compared to me, who only gave two chocolates on Valentine's Day, I didn't lose anything. Meanwhile, not far from my locker, Dongsun was stuffing all the chocolates into his bag, and next to him, Donghyun was doing the same.
"How many did you get?" I asked enviously.
"I didn't count. Do you want to count them for me?" Dongsun offered.
"I'll help you count," replied Joonki, always nosy about other people's business.
"I think I got 32," Donghyun said, "and there's one letter. I'm scared to read it."
"Here, let me read it," I offered, trying to snatch the letter from Donghyun.
"No, hyung will shout about it all over the school, right?"
I grinned broadly. I knew my popularity would always be below the Min brothers.
“I got 21, the same as Joonki,” Hyeil said from the bottom locker, finally standing up, holding up a bag full of gifts.
“Hyeil, I think you should get rid of being single before graduation,” I suggested.
“There’s no girl I like,” he replied casually, tidying up his appearance in front of the mirror, “I’ll give you the same advice, Chungdae.”
“Dongsun got 51!” Joonki shouted loudly, “if you add up the letters, flowers, and dolls, it’s 73. Congratulations on bringing them home, Dongsun.”
Donghyun, Joonki, and Hyeil were busy patting Dongsun on the back as if he’d just won a soccer championship. Maybe I’ll be popular when Dongsun graduates. Ah, but we’ll be graduating together, why am I so stupid? I checked my chocolate haul once more. What I was looking for wasn’t there.
"Don't be so sad, Chungdae. Do you want my chocolate? Here, I'll let you have one," Joonki said, patting my back.
"Shut up! That's not what I meant!" I said, patting him back, but with twice as much force.
"He's probably waiting for chocolate from Youngkyong," Dongsun guessed right on target, "isn't there any?"
Oh, damn. Dongsun always knows what I'm thinking.
"Definitely not," Joonki said with a wide, annoying smile.
"DO YOU WANT TO DIE?"
***
HEO CHUNGDAE’S POV
Actually, Joonki and Dongsun were right. I was thinking about why Youngkyong didn't give me chocolate. I was actually a bit worried. Was this just a one-sided crush? But she's been treating me so differently these past three months. It's actually my fault for not sincerely expressing my feelings and officially asking her to be my girlfriend. I didn't have the courage to do it. It must have felt funny, right? Heo Chungdae, who was never afraid of anything and was the main goalkeeper on the Hwachin School soccer team and we just won the inter-high school soccer tournament in Seoul last year, was actually afraid of girls. Suk Youngkyong is really beautiful. I've known her since 5 years ago since she moved to Seoul. Her apartment is only one subway station away from ours and because our parents (and the Min Brothers' parents) know each other, we often hang out together. I'll say it again: she's very beautiful, and she's already starting to become famous. She has quite a large Instagram followers, as she's been considering advertising some accessories for teenagers for the past four months. I'm a little unsure, but she's been spending a lot of time with me lately. We've also been out alone twice, perhaps even on dates.
"I'm tired, I'm going home," Hyeil said after I gave her a smack he couldn't return.
"Oh, I did that?"
"Just because I'm tired," Hyeil concluded. "Do you want to take care of this?"
"Yeah, that's fine, I'll take care of it," I decided, because I needed some time to think.
"See you tomorrow."
"Bye!"
I put the scattered shuttlecocks back in their place. I guess I've been thinking too much. Should I ask Joonki's opinion? I think he'll just laugh at me. What about Yeowoo? Ah, but she's too close to Youngkyong, she'll spill the beans. Maybe I can trust Hyeil? Even though he has no experience dating… What about Miss Baek? Ah right, she seems really easy to talk to, and I feel comfortable around her. But the question is, will she be willing to listen to something like this?
"Is this for me?"
Automatically, I hid behind a very large tree next to me. There was Youngkyong, in the middle of the school garden, holding a green bag tied with a pink ribbon, and she handed it to… Dongsun?
Youngkyong nodded, "Yes, for Oppa."
"Ah, but Youngkyong..."
"Please don't reject me."
I couldn't bear to watch this. Turning around, I walked away from the school garden, taking me even further away from home.
"Oppa! Oppa!"
I came to my senses when Youngkyong nudged my arm.
"Oh yeah, Youngkyong?"
"What are you doing here alone?"
I realized I was sitting on a bench near our indoor sports stadium, alone. I don't know how long I'd been sitting there, but dusk was already falling.
“Let’s go home together.”
“Oh yeah, come on. I’ll grab my bag and return my racket to my locker first.”
“Come on, let’s go there together.”
Was what I saw just a hallucination? I wanted to ask Youngkyong, but I didn’t have the courage. Youngkyong, do you have feelings for me, even just a little?
“For oppa.”
She pushed a small white bag against my chest.
“This…”
“These chocolates are for oppa. As a reward for the chocolates I got on Valentine’s Day.”
She smiled, beautifully. But I couldn’t think. My mind was so distracted right now.
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